Three Fictional Products

ConfessionBook To make itself more hip and more fashionable, the Catholic Church is making a big push on social media. They’ve teamed up with Facebook to bring you ConfessionBook. Chat with a real Catholic priest and let the sins off your chest, all from the comfort of your bedroom. Or if you’re on the go, [...]

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My buddy Duke Ferdinand

Let me tell you about my buddy Duke Ferdinand. I caught him looking a little too hard at my girl, so here’s how I did him. I stuck him on this boat, Lusitania. Yea, my girl’s face launched a thousand ships. Then I sent that boat straight to Pearl Harbor. If you haven’t heard of [...]

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Short story about glasses

It’s like this: you can’t see so good, in fact, if you’re not wearing your glasses, you can’t see well enough to tell the difference between the glass and the frame. So there you are, trying to pick up your glasses, you’re frightened of smearing the lenses, you’re picking them up in a real careful [...]

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Various Writings from 2014

Time to clear out the backlog of notebooks. These writings piled up from various times spent on trains, buses, airplanes, waiting in queues. Memory Soup Before my daddy died, doc told us his memory was soup. So that’s how I like to remember him now: soup. I gaze at his wedding pictures, it was an [...]

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Love at first flight

I always used to hang out at the airport waiting area, it was my favorite place to pick up girls. You never had to worry about getting a reputation or seeing the same girl twice, who would ever revisit an airport waiting area? Because of this, you could perform the most gutsy of tactics and [...]

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Your poor shadow

Do you know your shadow? Have you bought him a cup of tea? He’s suffered greatly for you, you know. You’ve denied him the sunlight, it makes him pale and sickly. There he is, trying to read a book, and you’re blocking his light. He isn’t mad at you, he puts up with it patiently. [...]

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Hospital Bathroom

The hospital bathroom is a single room partitioned by a curtain. Actually, it’s two curtains, and it’s interesting how it works. Each curtain is made of vertical stripes, alternating solid and see-through. They line up just right so the whole thing is solid. But if you go up to one of the curtains and blow [...]

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My buddy Slim Shady

Let me tell you about my buddy Slim Shady, He’s the babe of my crew, I mean he’s literally a baby, ‘n’ I change his diaper full of feces and urine, Rob the bank just for his dental insurance, You can’t even tell if he’s a boy or a girl, ‘n’ I cut his umbilical [...]

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Heart On My Sleeve

My heart on my sleeve?? Man, I wear everything *but* my heart on my sleeve! The White House? Here it is, third button from the cuff. Mt. Everest? I call that my elbow. I flex my bicep, Titanic takes a drink. Put my arm back down, she flies back out the ocean, the Collapsibles fly [...]

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Perfection and Perfectionism

Something’s come up here in Japan, and I’m busy like a one-armed butler playing cover albums for The Doors. Fortunately, I typed up some of these things in advance, so I can just “Publish” them in between breakfast bites before running out the door. This one’s called “Perfection and Perfectionism”. What it’s like to be [...]

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