Philosoraptor was one of the great minds of the twentieth century. Although he never published any articles in any rigorous journals, he was a constant presence at conferences and seminars, where his deep and profound utterances revolutionized many areas of modern thought. I recently became interested in the life and times of Philosoraptor; people don’t realize it, but he studied under many different masters and schools. He wandered far and wide and endured the tutelage of many different advisers. In this article, we’ve applied advanced literature critical techniques to determine which schools informed some of Philosoraptor’s more famous sayings.
[Editor's Note: Philosoraptor is, of course, one of those funny internet memes. The image which inspired it was originally drawn by Sam Smith.]
The Early Years
Our dinosaur began his training extremely early in life. In grade school, he befriended every class clown and wise-ass and begged them to teach him their rebellious knowledge. The names of these early masters are lost to the mists of time but their influence lives on in some of our scholar’s most well-known verses.
The Mad Scientist Years
Immediately after graduating high school, Philosoraptor went to university where he majored in Science. But his adviser turned out to be of the Mad Scientist variety, and our hero would never complete the degree. Nevertheless, analysts have little doubt the crazy adviser left an influence on the future philosopher.
Studying under Tyler Durden
Philosoraptor went through a few very strange years of which we don’t know very much. According to his official biographer: “During our interviews, he couldn’t say much about that time, due to ongoing investigations and a court gag order.” What we do know is that he was a Space Monkey studying under Tyler Durden, and this is reflected in some of his later prose.
Shock-produced fatal cranial expansion
While taking part in Project Mayhem, our raptor was a SPFCE trooper (see the section title above). That’s a long way of saying he specialized in making peoples’ heads explode.
Philosoraptor Goes East
After getting his life sorted out and getting out of Tyler’s army, our protagonist decided to head east and study under the Buddhist masters. He was drilled in Zen and other eastern mysticism. Many historians speculate that it was around this time that he made the decision to devote his life to philosophy.
Through his eastern mystic connections, our intrepid velociraptor ended up making friends in the International Brotherhood of Heretics. This would inform large swathes of his teachings on religious matters.
Philosoraptor’s Work on Contradictions
As soon as he returned to the west, he began a rigorous study of the contradictions and inconsistencies in folk wisdom. This was highly controversial: at the time, all the major journals were completely dominated by folk wisdom, and many an esteemed doctor’s reputation was ruined by this rogue philosopher pointing out their errors.
The Pundamentals of Wordplay
Of course, no account of Philosoraptor’s works would be complete without his primary contribution: The Pundamentals. Published posthumously after the painstaking assembly of thousands of stray papers sewn into the philosopher’s coat, this is the lone book which actually bears his name. Over thirty different universities awarded posthumous honorary Pun.h.D’s for the landmark work, which forever changed how mankind views wordplay.
In the later years of his life, Philosoraptor began to show an interest in formal illogic. It’s too bad he didn’t live to do more significant work here. Friends say he was very fond of the illogical work of Kurt Gödel.
Final Words from the Deathbed…